What Not to Say to Egg Donors

Tips on how (and how not) to support your loved one as they donate eggs

Although egg donation is increasingly common, it still isn’t talked about much or represented often in popular culture. For this reason, people may not know what to say if their friend or family member tells them they plan to become an egg donor. We’ve written this guide to help you avoid some awkward or unintentionally hurtful statements when talking with an egg donor, along with suggestions for how to best support them.

“How much are they paying you to sell your eggs?”

Egg donors do receive compensation - for their time and effort, not for the eggs themselves. Most donors choose to donate eggs for reasons other than money, including a desire to help people build a family.

Instead, try: “If you’re open to sharing, what are some reasons you decided to donate your eggs?”

“I heard egg donation is dangerous!”

Because egg donation often doesn’t get widely discussed, it can seem scary or dangerous. In truth, egg donation involves some mild, temporary side effects such as abdominal cramps or discomfort. In rare cases, donors can experience more serious (but treatable) complications. There is currently no evidence linking egg donation to long term risks such as cancer or infertility.

Importantly, most egg donors have already learned about the process and considered any potential risks before committing to their decision. While it’s understandable to care about your loved one’s health, consider asking them about their understanding of and feelings about the process, rather than jumping to conclusions.

Instead, try: “How do you feel about the potential side effects?”

“So you’re okay with having a child you don’t know?”

Egg donors don’t donate a child; they donate genetic material. Donors do not have any legal rights or responsibilities to donor-conceived children. The intended parents are, in every sense of the word, the child’s parents.

Regardless, egg donors are asked to think seriously about the implications of donating before being accepted as a donor. There are considerations involved with egg donation, including deciding whether or not the donor is open to being contacted in the future by any individuals conceived from the donor eggs. Try not to make assumptions about how your loved one feels about their donation, and approach from a place of curiosity, rather than judgment.

Instead, try: “Thank you for sharing with me. Would you like to talk about how you’re feeling about the experience?”

“What does your partner or family think?”

Egg donation is a personal and individual choice. While, of course, everyone has the right to have their own opinion, egg donors have the right to make their own decision. If your friend or family member tells you they intend to donate their eggs, try to focus the conversation on them and their feelings, rather than other people. If you have a close relationship with their partner or family members and you want to support them as well, you can always ask them directly about their thoughts or feelings.

Instead, try: “How can I support you during your donation process?”

Resources to learn more about egg donation

In general, it always helps to come from a place of curiosity and support, rather than judgment or assumption. People donate eggs for many different reasons, and they each have their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences with the process. If you’d like to learn more about the donation process to support your loved one, we have several articles available here, including this one on common myths about egg donation.