How to Talk to Your Partner About Donating Your Eggs

Jan 13

Talking to your partner about donating your eggs may feel challenging, but we’re here to help. Becoming an egg donor is a significant decision, and while it is your choice alone what to do with your body, it can affect your partner as well. Before sitting down with your significant other, consider how you might answer some of these common questions.

Does my partner have to be on board with my egg donation?

First, you don’t need to have a romantic partner to donate eggs. If you do have a partner, egg donation guidelines do not explicitly require them to agree with your decision (unlike gestational surrogacy, which does require partner support). However, it’s very emotionally challenging to donate eggs without the support of your closest relationship. Every donor agency or donor egg bank uses their own discretion when choosing donors, and they prioritize their donors’ safety and emotional well-being. If you are in a serious romantic relationship and your partner adamantly opposes you donating your eggs, that may affect your eligibility.

For that reason, it’s important to have an honest and open conversation with your partner about why you want to donate eggs and to answer any questions or concerns they may have. Here are some of the most common questions your partner may ask.

Questions Your Partner May Have About Egg Donation

Why do you want to donate your eggs?

Having a clear sense of what egg donation means to you can help your partner understand why you have made this decision.

Is egg donation dangerous, and will it hurt?

Egg donation is a decades-old process with established safety standards. The process involves a minor surgical procedure to retrieve the eggs. This egg retrieval only takes about 20 minutes and has a low risk of complications. The overall process may include some discomfort, including cramping or bloating, but should not be painful.

Will egg donation affect your future fertility?

Studies show no relationship between egg donation and fertility loss. The egg donation process doesn’t “use up” eggs more quickly than normal. Instead, it develops and retrieves eggs that your body would otherwise absorb during a regular menstrual cycle. For more information on egg donation and fertility, read our article here.

How much will I be involved?

Your partner might, understandably, wonder how your egg donation will affect your relationship or what will be expected of them. It’s important to note that legally, your partner will have no role in the donor agreement. In the same vein, neither your partner nor you will have any parental rights or responsibilities to any children conceived with the eggs you donate. So, in the long-term sense, your partner will not really have any involvement in the donor experience.

In the practical, short-term sense, your egg donation may affect your partner in a few different ways. They may notice you experiencing mood swings or physical side effects from the egg donation medications. Your availability may temporarily change as you schedule monitoring appointments and the egg retrieval. They may want to help (more on that below). And, importantly, if your partner has sperm then you will need to abstain from sexual intercourse from the start of medications to your next period after the egg retrieval. While all these adjustments are temporary, it’s important for your partner to understand why they may be necessary.

Can donor-conceived children contact you in the future?

Some donor agreements allow for contact between the donor-conceived child and the donor. Other agreements, known as non-directed, keep the arrangement fully closed, with no identifying information shared between the donor and the intended parents. However, even with a non-directed agreement, a donor-conceived child may choose to seek information about their donor once they turn 18, possibly through DNA testing or donor sibling registries. With this in mind, it’s important to think about how you might approach that situation. If you are considering having children with your partner, you will also want to discuss if and how you might tell your children about your egg donation.

How can I help?

Ideally, your partner will ask how to support you through your egg donation experience. Think about what you’d like in terms of emotional and logistical support. Do you want them to ask how you’re feeling throughout the process? To just listen when you want to talk? To drive with you to appointments? How would they feel about helping you with the injectable medications? Can they take care of your chores around the house for a day or two around the retrieval, so you can rest?

In most cases, your partner is in the best position to offer support as you navigate the emotional and physical factors of egg donation. The more clearly you can express your needs, the better equipped they will be to help.

A note on directed donation:

If you are considering a directed donation (where you know the recipient, ex. donating to a friend or family member), your partner may be more involved. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) strongly recommends that the partner of a directed donor be involved in counseling sessions with the intended parents. This ensures that everyone involved is on the same page, as directed donations can have more complex emotional and legal nuances.