How to Talk to Family and Friends About Using an Egg Donor
Many of our intended parents wonder about how to talk to family and friends about using an egg donor.
Who needs to know?
Do I have to share details about the donor, or the process?
What happens if they respond with insensitive comments?
At SIMPLIFY and our partner clinic, PNWF, we follow the guidance of professional medical societies by encouraging parents to tell their donor-conceived children about their beginnings, while recognizing that sharing is a personal decision. Beyond that, there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to sharing with other family and friends that you used a donor egg: it’s entirely up to you!
Read on for more tips about how to have a conversation with family and friends about using an egg donor.
A Note For Gay and Single Dads:
This article is written with the assumption that people don’t already know you are using an egg donor. For parents without ovaries, like gay or single dads, it’s a little more obvious that an egg donor was involved. However, you still have the complete right to your privacy. You are not obligated to tell anyone anything, so the tips below about who you want to share with, what details you want to share, and how to deflect unwanted questions still apply.
Why Would I Tell Friends and Family I’m Using an Egg Donor? / Why Wouldn’t I Tell?
Reasons people tell include:
Keeping secrets is hard! Sharing, especially with close friends and family, reduces the risk that they might find out from someone else and feel hurt.
Kids love to talk about themselves, so if you’ve told your child they will likely tell others
Sharing reduces the stigma around assisted reproduction
Sharing allows you to get support from family and friends during the unique experience of conceiving and raising a donor-conceived child
Reasons people might not tell include:
A wish to avoid ignorant or intrusive questions
Fears that knowing might affect how their friends and family view their child
The feeling that it’s no one’s business!
These fears are completely reasonable, and they can often be managed by carefully considering who you want to tell. If there are people that you think might not be understanding or supportive, then you certainly don’t need to tell them.
Tips for How to Tell Your Friends and Family About Using A Donor Egg
Decide What Details You Want to Share, and With Whom
Not everyone needs to know, and not everyone needs to know the same things. You may want to share the journey of selecting an egg donor with a close friend or family member, but not tell your coworkers at all. That’s perfectly fine! Deciding in advance what you want to share will help you guide the conversation and set loving boundaries.
Set Yourself up for Success
Pick a private, comfortable place to have the conversation. Let your friend or family member know upfront what you’re looking for from them - emotional or practical support, questions, or simply that you wanted them to know but aren’t planning to discuss it further.
Prepare Answers for Unwanted Questions
People may be curious about your experience using an egg donor, and they may unintentionally ask questions that feel intrusive or ignorant. You are never required to tell anyone about your fertility journey, no matter how nosy they are. Have a game plan for how to respond to unwanted questions. Some options include:
Polite but firm boundaries: “Thank you for your concern, but I’m not interested in discussing my child’s conception.”
Full deflection: “Yes, I’m delighted to be a new parent. Wish I could chat more, but I have an appointment.”
Vague and positive: “[Partner] and I tried for a long time, and we are so thrilled to finally be parents!”
Straightforward and positive: “Sometimes it takes a little extra help to make a baby, and we are so grateful to our egg donor for helping bring [child] into the world. How has your day been?”
Ultimately, the choice to tell friends and family about using an egg donor is entirely up to you. Whether you want to stay private or are excited to share the details of your journey, you know what is best for you and your family. For more tips, check out our article on how to talk about infertility with friends and family. And if you still have questions, reach out to us - we’re happy to help.